Laugh at Them

While I’m like everyone else enduring this abject stupidity of being unable to live a normal life because politicians are still not pulled from their houses and shot to death on the front steps, which by the way seems to be the only solution to this mind numbing destruction of our country, I am watching shows on television that I wouldn’t normally watch.

I tuned in the Travel Channel only to discover it has literally nothing to do with travel at all!  It’s now the Ghost Channel!  Kind of like the History Channel that shows zero history, but a lot of Bigfoot, pawn shops, and aliens. But nothing about history, unless pickers finding a rusty motorcycle frame counts as historical. “History professor Frank just scored a headlight!”  Wow!  I’m impressed! Said no one ever. 

But back to the Travel Channel. Because of stark total boredom I decided to watch these ghost shows of the paranormal terror and in fact, I learned quite a bit about how they work!  Teams of ghost hunters, tales of paranormal experiences, haunted houses, even entire forests! And all done in a way to be as spooky as possible and try to fool you into thinking they’re real. It’s quite possible they are! Except when they aren’t. You can decide.

The ghost hunter teams and their attending psychics are featured in Ghost Hunters.  Apparently, someone contacts them on their website about strange happenings and they all pack into vans and drive there to confront the entity. They set up scads of professional equipment, they then pull out these ghost detectors, the PDQ-3500 Spirit Box, the EMP 54-c12 entity modulator, infrared cameras, hand held blinky-light devices, and off they go to set up and then try to goad the spirit into communicating with them. Which it does because it’s a television show and any self-respecting spirit isn’t going to miss that chance at fame. They ask it questions and it answers by making a light blink on the Ghost Communicator Blink Transmuter.  And it does.  “Mary!  Are you in this room with us?”  Blink.  And they all go nuts high fiving each other at their success. “Mary! Is there anybody else with you tonight?”  Blink.  Again, a cacophony of thrilled experts shitting themselves at a light blinking. What we don’t see is a technician off camera making the light blink, but OK, it’s a “spirit”. 

That brings us to the psychic. She wanders around until she feels a draft of cold air, or starts feeling queasy, or senses a presence, and proceeds to describe whatever comes to mind as the team whips out the spirit box. The spirit box is a device that allows the entity to use electromagnetic energy to form words. Strangely enough, those words are exactly what the team is looking for.  “We know you’re here!  What is your name?“  “Grggggrgrgrfggahaahhrssssss Mary ghyggrrrgrgggahh.”  Holy shit!  If I was a spirit I would say, “Fuck off, ass holes!” and give them something to really get excited about.  But it’s always germane to the ghost hunt because you expect it.

But they always do a thorough job, and at the end they sit down and listen to see what their recorders picked up.  Studiously, with large earphones on, they sit there until one goes, “Hey guys! I got something here!”  They describe where so and so was, calling out questions in the darkened room and hearing nothing except that ubiquitous bump or footsteps to make them all go, “What was that? Did you hear that?” And they all haul ass in the direction of the noise to discover nothing is there. Every time. But when one discovers something, they play it back, and it’s impossible to hear because that eerie music and sound effects drowns out pretty much everything. Yet when it plays, there’s a loud hissing static and then nothing. But they insist the ghost was reciting the Gettysburg Address in Latvian and it’s as clear as day! But the power of suggestion is used when they put up words to go with it.  ”Help me!” Seriously?  Your mind will fill it in as if by magic. I could type in “Democrats are communist scum” and the static would sound like that too!  You hear what you’re suggested to hear. It’s a good trick as evidenced by its constant use in Congress. But it’s fun to watch actually, especially if you just let it ride and enjoy the potential.  They do a good job of entertaining.

There are numerous shows about terrifying experiences with malevolent beings. Now these make even skeptics like me get the heebie-jeebies.  The scary ones. Demons. Dark entities. They make people’s lives a living hell. Banging, knocking, throwing shit, slamming doors, walking by all shadowy and shit…..That’s scary right there, isn’t it? Goosebumps! 

But I have to ask myself, what kind of low rent punk bitch demon is stuck haunting a normal house, or even worse, an apartment?  Who in the demon world did they piss off to get stuck at the bottom of the haunting ladder?  A loser demon, that’s who!  Think about it.  All the cool demons get huge mansions and castles to haunt and fuck with people, others get historical sites, entire forests, whole towns to do their demon shit in, and fucking Casper gets regulated to a shitty dump down in suburbia.  Talk about a shit assignment, no wonder they’re pissed off! All the elite spirits are playing Broadway and they’re stuck in a rundown shit box on Elm Street in a forgettable town in the middle of Bumfuck, Iowa. So they want every last person who moves in to pay for their own lack of status. No wonder they fuck with people like they do! You would too if you were picked last for the demon team and laughed at and called names endlessly by the Varsity sprits who get the cheerleader ghosts. A total fucking pathetic loser.

But here’s what I learned about haunted “normal” houses.  First off, knowing your entity has been posted at the bottom of the spirit hierarchy; don’t be scared by their antics.  Just say, “OK, Spooky, I get it. You got totally fucked over or you wouldn’t be here. So make all the noise you want and get it out of your system.” A word of caution though, saying that may trigger an intense realization in the spirit that he is in fact a total fucking shrimp dick loser and amplify his efforts to scare the piss out of you.  So it’s a crap shoot there.

That being said, after seeing these shows, here are some tips if you end up with one of these asshole entities trying to haunt you. First of all, open your curtains and turn on the fucking lights!  Why the fuck these people getting terrorized insist on keeping the house dark is fucking stupid! 

Secondly, if you hear a noise in the basement, again, if you must go down there, turn on the fucking lights!  A flashlight won’t cut it, and if the lights don’t work, how’s about stay the fuck out of the basement!

Stomp on the floor and bother the ghost! Yell down the stairs that his noises aren’t shit and you’ll take clogging lessons if he doesn’t shut the fuck up! 

Third.  If you’re looking in the mirror, don’t close your eyes for five seconds and the suddenly open them. Every self-respecting ghost is waiting for that stupid move so they can appear behind you and make you shit yourself. Instead, act like you’re going to close your eyes and then turn around real fast and scream, “Gotcha!” at the top of your lungs and that will cause the ghost to stain his sheet and run down the hall crying for his mommy.

Fourth.  Out-haunt the ghost.  Do every last fucking thing to make its life as miserable as hell. Get a spray bottle of Holy Water. Pretend you’re calling a priest on the phone. Say out loud, “Yeah….Casper couldn’t cut it in the major leagues. He’s stuck here like the total loser ass wipe he is.” Talk shit about him. For laughs, get a bundle of sage and fire it up like a giant doob and invite him over for a float.

Fuck the spirit world. Fuck the fear inherent in our psyche.  There are spirits, don’t get me wrong.  Those we loved who have passed, look over us in some way, of that I have no doubt. But the scary ones are actually failures and don’t fit in anywhere. They know they’re pathetic fuck sticks and you can hammer that home constantly. Eventually they’ll leave because you’re not playing your part.

So everyone believes what they want to believe. Everyone has had an experience that cannot be explained. I had a real eye opener once that made me go “Fuuuuuck”. So enjoy the ghost shows, even though they are for entertainment.  Remember the four rules of dealing with a haunting.  Most ghosts will simply leave if you laugh at them and invite them to make noises. They have feelings too. Exploit them instead of being exploited.

But also, not ghost related at all, do your best to not purchase anything made in China, if at all possible. We are the unknown lynchpin in Chinese market dominance, and if we stop supporting them, we can put a huge dent in their economy. 

Also, May 1st is Freedom Day. Regardless of what governor, city council, county commissioners or mayors decree, a Velvet Revolution is at hand if we all say fuck you and start going out en masse. It’s up to you, of course and hopefully this shit will end soon. Until then, laugh. Laugh at them. Laugh at what they’re trying.  Laugh as you load your magazines and oil up your weapons. Because I get the feeling that Americans are at the end of their patience, and they simply won’t take it anymore. 

Covid isn’t the problem. The virus resides in government.  Flatten THAT curve.  And let’s take our country back while we still have one.

Carry on! 

Moss out