An original true story by: Calamity Jane
Here at Casa de Jane, we love to make great vittles….. Hot’n’spicy entrees and appetizers are the norm…..BTW….That’s pronounced Casa de Hane for all of you non-Spanish speakin’ deplorables!
While out’n’about in the hinterlands of Mars, PA the other day, I stopped by my favorite farm market. They always have great “stuff”. I was perusing their gourmet cheese selections and spied some Troyer Farms hot pepper cheeses. Blocks of Scorpion, Habanero and Carolina Reaper!….AWESOME!
Well….Lil’ ol’ Jane can’t shy away from anything spicy, so a small block of the Carolina Reaper cheese was procured for later assessment. Anything made with Carolina Reaper peppers is new territory for me and that is one trail I’d like to “blaze”.……..Little did I know what adventure would lay ahead.
So, back into the ol’ F250 and plotted a course back to Casa de Jane for Reaper testing and culinary evaluation in the cold smoker…..Smoked hot pepper cheese is awesome……This Carolina Reaper stuff is about 2 million Scoville units……..THAT IS HOT!….You can probably strip paint with this stuff!…….Go BIG or GO Home is Calamity Jane’s motto.
Saturday night is movie night. And movie night means snacks!…… A nice smoked cheese plate, popcorn, salsa or guac are the usual featured fare!…… Calamity Jane preps a cheese plate with a variety of our home smoked provolone, cayenne, and garlic cheeses. Well…..You know, I just had to sample the Carolina Reaper cheese!……It was callin’ my name!….. “Jane…..Jane….Taste me!…..Taste me, Jane.”….. It was!…. I swear!
This small block hadn’t seen the inside of the cold smoker yet, but CJ was curious as to how “hot” this seemingly innocent looking 8 ounce block of red speckled, simply “dee-lish” lookin’ cheese could be……I mean, c’mon it looks like it has freckles!
A 1/8 inch slice was taken from one end….I like hot, but Mama Calamity didn’t “raise no fool”! The thin slice was cut in half and each 1 X 2 inch square was placed on a separate Keebler Club Cracker……I wanted to be cautious and limit the collateral damage this possible fireball of a snack could cause.
In retrospect, I shoulda been wearin’ Nomex gloves!
The moment of reckoning arrived and the innocent looking cracker topped with a thin piece of Carolina Reaper cheese was about to be taste tested……..The Jane-ster slowly raised the cracker in breathless anticipation of a blast of tasty heat from the Reaper pepper and took a bite….
The moment of truth!
HOLY SHIT!….. OMG!!!!….HOT!….HOT!!!…HOT!!!!!!………It was like biting into a lava flow!…….I could feel the intense heat of the Reaper scorching a path the entire way from the back of my tongue, down my esophagus, to my stomach!……. FUCK!!!!….THIS STUFF IS HOTTTTTTTTT!….FUCK!….I just consumed Napalm!!!!
Now I know how much heat the Dorothy 6 Blast Furnace put out in Duquesne, PA during the heyday of big steel…….. How hot was it?…….REALLY FUCKIN’ HOT!
You know this stuff packs a wallop when Cayenne cheese cools down the Reaper!…… I gotta tell ya…..NEVER AGAIN!……This is “Reaper” Madness!……Seared flesh ain’t my idea of a tasty movie night snack…….Are third degree esophageal burns treatable without a trip to the ER???
Remember Calamity Jane mentioning the Nomex gloves?…… Word of caution: DO NOT touch your eyes after handling Troyer’s Carolina Reaper Cheese….. Take my word for it!……. I’m still lookin’ for my contact lens!
Aftermath: Details are not necessary…. I will tell any daring soul who wishes to adventure into the super-hot molten world of the Carolina Reaper, proceed with caution and be sure to have your asbestos/flame retardant under garments at the ready…..You’re gonna need ‘em!
BTW….Blue Oyster Cult was full of shit!
Calamity Jane