Musings From Mossberg #13

Ram Tough?

Have you ever just settled down in front of the tube after a long day, a drink in one hand and perhaps a snack or two. You’ve suffered through hordes of monumental idiots, know-it-alls, backstabbing fucks, and people who have yet to perfect the art of driving with their head so far up their ass the have to open their mouths to see. Idiots texting furiously as though they are so fucking important they cannot be off the phone for three fucking minutes or people who won’t shut the fuck up because their opinion is world changing?  All you want to do is escape and relax, but no.  The television is designed to fuck with you too and I’ll tell you why. 

First off, truck and car ads.  Just watch them. They are the show you tuned in to see. The actual show is now the break from the endless fucking commercials. You are the product.  You are the reason commercial television exists.  You see a pick up truck pulling an Abrams tank out of the mud. Music and drums pounding as fountains of dirt are thrown about when the truck pulls an entire forest five miles to stop a catastrophic flood caused by climate change.  Manly music, trailers of every description, entire companies discarding rail contracts to use this fucking truck!  The tailgate folds in fifty clever ways! It parks itself. It backs up with six logging trailers and unloads the cargo while you sit there all pleased.  It has GPS, so you can never be lost in those manly woods.  A guy with a hard hat or a cowboy hat always looks on admiringly as you navigate impossible obstacles with seeming ease!  You want one!  You gotta have one!  Until a couple of things happen.  The first being the cost of a fucking pick up truck. $70K for a nice one.  Nice meaning it is jam packed with electronics and features no person needs at all!  The back up camera is nice.  It’s costs the manufacturers about six bucks.  They add it as an option for 850 dollars.

Speaking of options, that’s a fucking lie too. They’re already in the fucking truck!  They list them as options with an inflated price to give you the impression you’re getting a bargain!  You aren’t. You’re buying “options” they installed for you. They wanted those options. Why?  Because that’s one of the ways they make huge profits!  At cost, 40 thousand dollars of options represent about $1200 for the manufacturer. The rest is gravy.  If you’re skeptical, try to get a truck without them!  Go ahead!  Even a fucking manual transmission is becoming a thing of the past!  Don’t want those idiotic electronics?  Tough shit, Bubba! You cannot buy a plain ass truck anymore.  Why? You may ask?  Because there is little or no profit in it. They don’t care if you’re driving in the woods and crossing streams, mud up to the axles, straining to keep forward momentum.  Fuck no!  They are more concerned you have Bluetooth enabled four wheel drive that actually isn’t and GPS guided roof panels that record the number of times you fart on the way home so the truck can park itself upwind and save the paint.

Trucks are designed to be large square cars.  They’re designed to drive on the highway in comfort.  Getting an actual work truck is difficult unless you can get a used fleet truck from the late sixties.  I know, I know, a lot of you have nice trucks and you love them. That’s not my point. None of you are so stupid you can’t back up using mirrors. None of you need a wide screen TV to look at while you’re driving. Nobody needs an electronically controlled drive which decides when you can accelerate for you.  Nobody needs fucking radar to tell you a vehicle is in front of you.  You know how to drive.  That’s why you’re older.  You weren’t stupid enough to rely on electronic anything. You paid attention. Followed the rules of the road.  You didn’t feel entitled to be there.  Trucks don’t need to cost as much as a small house.  Loans shouldn’t have to be mortgages.  I get it. Some people go for that luxury shit and frankly I don’t fault them at all.  But I do fault the companies who don’t offer a basic fucking vehicle for those of us who need a basic vehicle.  There was a time last year where a fully loaded Dodge Ram was stuck in the middle of a water crossing because it’s computer fried after being immersed in the drink.  I was in a 66 Ford F-250 high ranger and we didn’t have that problem even though the water was up to the seat.  We pulled him out, and it cost him a ton of money to get his rig up to snuff. 

Ha. I remember him looking down his nose at our “beater” and lording his substantial investment over us poor Hicks……until he shorted out.  His windows didn’t work. His electronics were rendered useless doing what trucks were designed to do in the old days.  Get you there.  I guess I’m waxing nostalgic for the days when things were less complicated.  But also, if you take the time to read the disclaimers at the bottom of the commercials, you’ll see that what they show doesn’t depict reality.  They say so.  Don’t drive like we just did.  We are being deceptive so you will spend almost a hundred thousand dollars on a truck to drive around.  But don’t replicate anything in our commercial.  Also, vehicle shown is 40000 dollars more than the price we are advertising.  Politics, commercials, I’m getting tired of being lied to.  Sell your product on its merits. If you have to be deceptive or create an illusion to sell it, perhaps it’s not as good as you say it is. 

Mossberg out!