Musings From Mossberg #12

Clickbait Revealed

Did you ever sit in your living room having a toddy or a cold one, listening to some oldies and just kicking back after a busy day?  All of us have at one time or another, and I have to ask you all:  When is the last time in your conscious memory you were frantically trying to find a cure for toe fungus?  Yes race fans, fucking toe fungus!  From the seemingly endless ads on the internet extolling the virtues of a homeopathic cure for the deadly toe fungus, you’d think there was a god damn epidemic nationwide and nobody has been spared from its inexorable march towards digital infectious domination!  Except for one thing.  Who the fuck has it?  Nobody I know and trust me, I’ve asked!  But you see a photo of somebody putting Coca Cola in a bowl of chocolate cake batter as a cure for this affliction!  Then, two ads down it’s the same fungus ad, but this time it shows a pan of fried eggs as the cure!  What in the country fried fuck is the matter with these people?

If you’re dumb enough to click on one of these ads, the first thing you notice is that the ad is bereft of any home cure whatsoever.  No eggs. No peanut butter. No beets. Nothing. Just a bottle of Doctor Snifton’s All Knowing Cure Oil for 30 dollars a dram.  It doesn’t even say it cures fucking toe fungus and no doubt crushes the hopes and dreams of the billions of fungus sufferers everywhere!  They have sixty disclaimers that it may help, it might do that, it’s designed to cure, all results are different, nobody has toes left after using it, it causes climate change, it has proprietary ingredients that have been known to be used in India to make curry farts tolerable, it had great success as a tick removing salve when mixed with cyanide, it stains your shoes, it cures every disease known to man, has resulted in the long sought after breakthrough of nothing happening whatsoever, is best used by 1987, and can cause skin irritation if applied on a Tuesday at or near a river in a foreign country.  In other words……snake oil.  But the ad persists, which means either they’re using it as a tax write off, or we have some stump dumb fuckers in this country with a gnarly case of funk toe.

Which leads me to another one.  The variety of absolutely retarded claims of “Doctors Speechless” about some idiotic application of common household shit to cure your choice of various maladies.  Ok.  Look.. If you have a giant pus filled boil infecting your ass, you go to a doctor to get it cured. But if that vaunted physician is “speechless” about anything, you need to get as far the fuck away from that quack as possible!  Seriously. Any doctor that’s “screaming” “angry” or “speechless” needs to be locked the fuck up in a container and dropped in the Marianas Trench never to be heard from again!

But seriously!?  The doctors aren’t angry or speechless because of your condition, they are rendered mute by knowing you just showed up holding a bottle of Dr Blowme’s headache fluid and he tries so hard not to laugh in your face and instruct the nurse to have you sedated and put on a 72 hour suicide watch. That’s what that is.  You have a rash on your arm and you swear you read that dipping shoelaces in a puddle of liquid pig shit and adding that to a bowl of cranberry sauce that has been left in the sun for three days after being pissed on by a rabid raccoon, he’s going to be speechless.  We all are.  You’re that fucking stupid you need to have a vial of weaponized Ebola injected in your eye socket and left to bleed out in the fucking parking lot.

Then I see a picture of a bottle of cider vinegar and a mini pad. If you have diabetes, do this immediately!  What?  Scrub your wrinkle bag with it?  Throw it in the yard and run over it with the mower during a full moon?  No!  The ad hasn’t got a fucking thing to do with scrotal relief!  But now, and I’m not kidding here, off you click on the moronic third grade level retarded ad, trends.revcontent, the purveyor of this shit is demanding you use that fucking stupid captcha thing invented by the communist Chinese to prove you’re a human. By merely clicking on the ad, you’ve proven you’re on the fine line of actually belonging to another branch of hominids, but clickbait that makes you jump through a fucking series of hoops to read a giant pack of deceptive claims that doesn’t have a fucking thing to do with their photo?  I’m not even remotely curious as to what I need to do immediately to render doctors speechless. It could be a total cure for diabetes for all I know, but I doubt it or the product they’re hawking wouldn’t be relegated to the shit pile of click bait. If it really worked, it wouldn’t need to even be advertised. They know that too. They want your email address to sell to other hucksters who will then bomb your device with swarms of useless spam ads.  So fuck them all.

Seniors need to read how they can save hundreds from Medicare.  No they don’t. They save jack shit. It’s a government program which is strangely a lot like click bait ads. Tons of promises for all of your money and NOTHING in return!  Can’t get a stiffy?  That’s because you’re getting old, you idiots. But if you “try this trick tonight”, you’ll be able to bone every crack whore in the county six times over and still hang your bathrobe on your meat stick!  Except you can’t.  And you won’t.  That “simple trick” is making you think it will work by featuring huge tits and a pretty face and suddenly you dream…….but since I have to use an identifier to read it, and I won’t, suffice to say that if something like that actually existed there would be millions of orders for a year’s supply of “Bonerzall” and there would be no need to advertise it again.  Personally, I think the government has a lifetime supply of “Azzfilla” by the way they are endlessly fucking us non-stop.  But I digress….  Then there’s the 10 SUV’s for under 25k. That’s a fucking laugh because the vehicle they show is the Revzani Tank that goes for 350k and that’s if you can get one!  Not one of the vehicles they show goes for under 25k at all.  The ten fastest cars?  Funny, they only have three.  The others are way down the list but they don’t care!  They need your email address!

“If you have skin, you have to use this in five minutes or your tits fall off!” “Simple cotton candy cures Crohn’s Disease!”  “Five out of six earthworms recommend using potato chips to make you look 100 years younger!” Here’s how!  “Antique lamps heralded as the new laser ear removal!”  “Improve your vision to 2020 by using this unknown cure involving gym shoes and transmission fluid!” “People with scabies swear that carpet samples placed in pastures with raw eggs balanced on a running vibrator eliminate the need for walking long distances to pee!”  It is insane, and I would personally like to see both revcontent and taboola burned to the ground with the employees chained to their desks.  They are what’s so shitty about the internet.  Five lines of story buried in a veritable unnavigable morass of clickbait. You have to carefully search for what you’re reading. One line of text….. Fifty six picture ads touting sheer nonsense.  One line of text, another seven hundred ads.  The story isn’t even the reason anymore. It’s revenue and acquiring email addresses to be able to seek your info for more money. And the unlimited spam. Endless spam.  I hate their fucking guts. One of the benefits of having HughesNet High Speed Internet is it takes a looooooong time to load this shit.  Funny though, I want to read an article, but the first thing that appears are the clickbait ads.  The story comes along much later. Again, I know it is what it is, but that’s another of the many reasons I can’t be president. I’d make sure they had to take 500 bottles of “EternaStiff” fuck pills.  Until they died. On television. For free.

We send our heartfelt sympathies to her family. No the fuck you don’t!  The main reason is the picture of the “Star” or “personality has been poached until they get a letter from an attorney telling them they’ll be sued if they don’t get rid of it.  We were shocked to learn what happened to this popular singer.  Yeah, shocked that you had people stupid enough to click on that fucking lie. We have no words……..That will be the fucking day! All you have is words!  Words that depict everything but the truth!  Clickbait is like mosquitos. It’s part of the internet, they’re irritating and annoying as fuck, and isn’t going anywhere until they’re all run over with earthmovers and dissolved in nitric acid. But one thing is a common thread with every last ad you see.  Every one of them is deceptive at best, and outright false as common.

If I was President, and I’m not, I would take every person involved in clickbait and the snake oil manufactures and truck them to the coasts, give them each a red solo cup and force them to furiously scoop the surf and throw it real far without a break to prevent the sea from rising while being forced to listen to Greta Thunberg screeching, “How dare you?” on a loop tape hooked to stadium speakers set on 11 until they exhaust themselves and drown.  Anybody refusing to comply with my executive order will be machine gunned on the beach on live TV and used as seagull food.  I’m sick of them all.  I hate their guts.  I don’t like them either.  One of these days I’ll tell you all how I REALLY feel! 

Mossberg out!