Musings From Mossberg #11

Birds Are Assholes!

I’m sure you’ve been outdoors on a nice day and enjoyed the chirping of all the various birds in the bushes and trees. They add a semblance of tranquility and harmony to nature in all of its wonderful splendors.  They’re pretty too! A flash of blue or red or yellow catches your eye and you smile as the little delights go about their day, seemingly busy living the bird life and have little care to their surroundings. Well it ain’t all sunshine and lollipops with these little bastards. Oh hell no!  There’s a ton of nefarious goings on with birds and I’ll tell you what that is.  Birds are assholes!  Yes!  Total assholes and the entire woods is sick of their shit, but since the animals can’t talk, nobody has ever been given the down low until now.  In these parts I’m known as the bird warbler. You read that right. I talk to birds. They talk to me. Well, actually all they do is bitch about each other and lie through their fucking beaks, but after a few shots of Jack, I understand them.

Let me start by explaining their songs and calls. You hear a delightful melody and think it’s the music of the woods. That’s not it at all and I’ll tell you why. They sing like that to warn other birds that they’ll get fucked up if they land on this branch. They are telling other birds, “This bitch be mine and I’ll peck the fuck out of any little soy bird that tries to horn in!”  They are issuing threats, talking shit, making everybody know they’re packing heat and they’ll beat the fucking feathers off of any bird that looks cross-eyed at them!  Sweet music?  Bullshit!  They mean it too!  In the process they try to out tweet each other, hoping a fine bitch will land nearby, and the entire woods can’t hear themselves think because of the noise!  The birds don’t give a shit. They want some trim and now!  Repeated attempts to reason with them have resulted in many woodland creatures being shit on until they’re trapped in their dens afraid to come out.

If you want to see how much of an asshole birds can be, get a feeder!  It could be a simple board with seeds on it up to a replica of Windsor Castle serving only non GMO Gluten free soybeans.  By the way, I wouldn’t recommend soybeans because it attracts these goofy baked birds with top knots who sit the fuck around all day on bird laptops and plot the downfall of the patriarchal racist woods while eating and shitting without paying for it. Fucking commie pricks. Oh, yeah! They don’t like shotguns. Ask the two who got away.  Anyway, if you have a feeder you’ll see an instant pecking order at play. Smallest to largest. Each bird has a place in the line and they get their dicks pecked off if they violate it. Chickadees and Titmouse.  In and out burger style. Nuthatches and Brown Creepers.  Grab and run. Finches and Sparrows are simply beat up at every opportunity. They don’t care. They’re used to it. Woodpeckers the same way.

I have a great variety of woodpeckers visit regularly. They all go by easily recognizable names. Little pecker. Hairy pecker. Red pecker. Big pecker and yes, Huge pecker!  All sorted for size and markings. But they didn’t get the pecking order memo. And they have AR-15’s for beaks! The other birds know it too, because I watched big pecker play “wipeout” on a stupid ass blue jay’s head that tried to muscle in.  That fucked the blue jay up and he flew to an adjacent limb and wobbled around for a while asking where the fuck he was!  But they’re generally get along types, so they aren’t much of a problem.

But the biggest assholes of all are the cardinals!  No, not the team that lost in the playoffs, the pretty red birds everybody knows and loves!  The cardinal will land on the feeder and immediately say, “Okay, bitches! This here’s my shit! Ya feel me?”  They will chase off every bird and sit there and take their fucking time, eating the best seeds and shitting on the rest. They just don’t care. And it shows!  The other birds file complaints with the bird feeder security council, but like the UN, they don’t do a fucking thing except eat all the seeds and rape the finches.

I have categorized the birds by their actions.  The “good birds” aren’t a pain in the ass, they don’t make a mess. They get their food and fly off to bird concerts or go kayaking. How the fuck would I know?  I seen em!  They say hi, how ya doin’, thanks for cranking out these seeds ’n shit. 

Then, there are the illegal birds.  They fly in, play loud music, get stoned and drunk and screech unintelligibly and complain I didn’t put up a nicer feeder and put their kids through school. A few dozen at a time, too.  The other birds look at me with that well?  Do something!, look and write shitty reviews on Popular Perches when I give them the finger.  Ungrateful little fucks. Then there’s the millennial birds. They sit there preening and being all important and expecting me to accept their stupidity because they’re entitled. They demand seeds, protest loudly if they don’t get them, and then bitch when they do. The goldfinch told me they live in tiny basements throughout the woods bothering everybody and trying to convince the sparrows they’re oppressed and stirring up shit.  Every woodland creature hates them and wants them dead. 

But the worst of all?  The fucking blackbirds!  Thousands descend on the entire area, screeching and rapping and causing total shit, wrecking every fucking thing they go near, stealing the suet from the peckers, causing fights, shitting everywhere and destroying everything that is good about having a feeder. They live in government projects and get everything for free, the female birds have 41 eggs in a nest without knowing who daddy beak is, and I hate their existence.  They don’t stay fortunately, they drop in and ruin the area, and once it’s fucked up they go to another feeder with the same results. Birds are assholes! I’m telling you!

Curiously, there was a pair of birds with male offspring who were insisting they were females. They threatened to sue the entire woods if any of the creatures dared point out the obvious.  I decided that wasn’t going to happen. To see three male birds in little dresses and painted beaks, with tiny Mary Janes on looking totally miserable set me off.  I went to get the 410 and it took me a while to find it, but when I returned I was astounded by what I saw.  The little birds were on the feeder, happy as hell and looking all studly in bright all male plumage. They had bird five o clock shadows and they were checking out some hot girl jays on another limb. I looked down and saw nothing but blood and feathers. What the fuck?  A crow flew over and said it was better than anything he’s seen since two vultures were fighting over an armadillo carcass and one got hit by a car a while back.  It seems that the birds weren’t going to have that trans shit for a second, and all told, about 267 birds of all types freed the kids and then pecked the fuck out of the woke adult birds until they looked like a feather flecked can of Deviled Ham. I mean pecked the absolute fuck out of them until they was daid.  I laughed and asked why. The crow looked around, then with a grin in his eye said, “Nature has rules. Break them, and suffer the consequences”. He flew off to shit on my neighbor’s porch because he refused to put corn out, but even though birds can be total assholes, they know what nature intended.  Perhaps we can learn from them? 

I wonder.

Mossberg out