Ants ‘n Wasps ‘n Bees ‘n Shit!
Insects. I have a thing about insects. They are fascinating creatures to study, observe, and interact with. I have a live and let live attitude about all varieties of insects because they do a very good job of keeping the ecosystem clean, fed and running smoothly. They do! But that live and let live has a major caveat. Outside. Do your insect thing, fill your niche doing whatever buggy shit you are supposed to do, but do it the fuck outside. Like ants. Industrious, intelligent, and omnipresent in nature. No matter where the hell you go, there are ants nearby laughing at you because they can. So I see them everywhere. They help till and aerate the soil. They clear the ground of dead things, they have entire societies who work tirelessly for the colony. That’s one of the few examples of socialism too, because the workers take everything useful and make food that goes to the Queen. Pelosi is a good example. It’s gets better. The queen expects worker ants to toil until they die, she replaces them with new workers who do the same. They all wear tiny pussy hats and are too ignorant to see who is being used. The males are drone cucks who are useless pieces of shit and only allowed to live long enough to mate with the queen to create more slaves. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Any ant that gets out of line is immediately killed. Hmmmmmmmm. Rings a bell. Anyway, as I was saying, outside. They can build entire ant utopias out fucking side!
Once they come into my house, that shit changes faster than Hillary’s handlers change her drawers after taco night at a local lesbian leather bar. I see tiny real estate ants having an open house, and the line of hopeful buyers wanting to get in on the ground floor. My kitchen floor. Fuck that noise! Once I see “first months rent free” billboards go up, it’s fucking war! I put down a special bait that the mindless bitch ants take back and feed to the queen, and 24 hours later that fat whore is dead. No more #metoo! Like our own liberals, without a Marxist leader to replace the worn out ants, the colony slowly dies. No welfare. No nothing. They’re too fucking stupid to just eat the shit they collect for themselves, and I know it’s working when I see miniature tents and piles of garbage by the baseboards as thousands of homeless ants wait in vane for someone to save them. I usually take pity on them and hasten their demise by drowning them in a half gallon of “Ant-B-Fucked” poison, but that’s because I’m a nice guy, and get a curious satisfaction hearing their tiny screams as they die in agony. Again. Out fucking side! Inside? You die you communist pieces of shit!
I was taught at an early age that if you stood perfectly still, bees and wasps would sniff around, get bored and fly off. And it’s true. The only exception to that rule is pissed off yellow jackets. They don’t give a rat’s ass. You’re there..? You’re getting attacked. By hundreds of bees with the sole focus of making you look like you have a case of weapons grade measles. Again. They don’t give a fuck. Even hornets don’t fuck with yellow jackets. The entire woods hates their guts. The yellow jackets don’t care. They’ll sting whatever moves. Anyway, we have a large variety of bees and wasps. They’re innocuous when left to their own devices, and yes, when you flail like a little bitch when they’re near you, that’s bee code for ‘Hey! Go sting that stupid asshole!’ So keep that in mind the next time a wasp is close to you. You may not be aware but they post videos of you pissing yourself on 4chan much to the delight of their bee friends. Oh! Yeah! We have a hornet that is thankfully rare, but they fly at night and kill anything they detect. And they’re huge. Two inches long with titanium stingers filled with cobra venom. I had a pair outside the back door last summer. I thought someone was knocking to get in. Seriously! I figured it was that trans raccoon looking for some new make up, but I flipped on the light and there were two of these night hornets slamming into the window repeatedly like that phone booth scene in “The Birds” and it would cause ones pantaloons to suddenly become overly fragrant. I was going to shoot them with the pellet gun, but they laughed and said “Bring it bitch!” So I decided that as long as I didn’t hear crashing glass, I’d be Okay. Fuck! And they live here?
So around here, wasps are just called whatever color they are. Red wasp, white spits, black wasps, stripers, you know, easy identification. Again, they are easy to live with and they kill an astounding amount of pests to propagate their species. Invariably some get in the house while exploring and I’ll get a towel or cloth, catch them and let them go. You’d think the entire wasp population would recognize that and act accordingly. Right? Wrong!! I had left the back door ajar and invariably this large red wasp got in. No big deal. I let him fly around all bad ass until he got tired, then I would catch him in a towel and let him go on his merry red wasp way to live out his red wasp existence and all is well. I couldn’t find a towel so I figured I’d use my work hat to scoop him up and let him fly off in wasp nirvana and so I did. What I didn’t count on was holding the fucking hat wrong and that miserable fucking Muslim wasp stung the piss out of my hand. And not once either. He had his stinger on full auto and just stung the fuck out of me in one second. It hurt worse than inhaling a flame thrower. I mean hurt too! I threw the hat on the floor and gave that piece of shit wasp Flaminco lessons for a full minute. My hand was throbbing in pain, but I was pissed off now, I lost all sense of normalcy and I wanted wasp ass. I shook the hat after doing the Riverdance on it some more, and the wasp fell out. He didn’t look so swell but to my astonishment he was not only in one piece, but he was still fucking alive!!
So I proceeded to do a Mikhail Baryshnikov ballet pirouette on his punk ass and that didn’t work! I said fuck this shit, you little fuck and picked him up with needle nose pliers and took him outside and dropped him on a flat rock. Then I got a ten pound sledge hammer and pounded his wasp dick in the dirt. I beat that fucker so hard I broke the rock! Then I scooped up his wasp remains, put then in an empty Mountain Dew can, took it in the shop, sparked off the welding torch and melted the can and him into a charred puddle. Then I beat that with the mallet until it was so thin you could roll it. Which I did. Then torched it again and dunked it in water, plunged it into a pile of fresh dog shit, went down to the river and threw it the fuck into the rushing water never to be seen again. He went from shit head wasp to charred DNA in about 15 minutes. That cock bite prick did a big no no!
I got back to the deck and noticed the mantis on the hummingbird feeder. Apparently a yellow jacket came to steal the sugar water and the mantis was on that shit bird in a flash! The yellow jacket was already half eaten buy the time I got there, and the mantis gave me a knowing wink and a mantis high five.
This time, I’m buying.