Out on the Zinnias
Odd thing happened today. Out on the zinnias was a very large mantis! Big one as mantis run, but 5 inches long. I know, I know, lots of guys insist that five inches is big, but I’m not here to judge……especially another guys junk!! Anyway, I thought I’d go outside and observe it for a while as it attempted to ambush hapless insects who thought they were in a “Mantis Free Zone”.
So sure enough, she’s climbing under the blossom and doing all that mantissy shit they do. I detect some movement on a close by blossom and it’s this giant wheel bug. What’s a wheel bug you might wonder? Well, it’s a big ass beetle shaped insect with a distinctive row of what looks like a gear in its back. Goggle fucking eyes that have the stare of death and a huge long harpoon proboscis that they use to skewer anything they can. And they do. Often.
So the wheel bug detects movement in the next flower as the mantis is sharpening her claws on a tiny whetstone and humming a tune, oblivious to the mottled gray assassin lurking mere inches away. The bug though, senses a Big Mac with legs and starts to creep over very slowly, picking each step carefully and deliberately and remembering to spit out the gum he was chewing because it was making unseemly cracking noises and inadvertently spoiling his chances. You could hear the orchestra playing ominous music as the drama played out.
The wheel bug had just spent the morning in the shop getting his harpoon sharpened and the tip replaced with an aftermarket one that had a thirty insect warranty for a few dollars more. The bug was proud. He was ready. But when he jumped to the mantis’s flower, the mantis yelled “da fuck?”, as the wheel bug made him a healthy pass. The mantis side stepped him and kicked him dead in the ass! He broke the bug’s neck, fucked up his face, broke all six legs and knocked his ass outta place. The mantis said “What the fuck? Are you movin’ on me? Cuz if you do there will nothing but bug shit as far as you could see!”
The mantis shrugged the attack off and stood there filing her nails like she could give a shit. The wheel bug though, was in deep shit. He was hanging on by one leg, his wings were half out and tore up. He couldn’t see the square root of shit. He was in a bad way. I was fascinated by the duel regardless, and I watch as the by now half dead, beat to fuck wheel bug lost his grip and fell to the ground. Then I hear this tiny tiny voice, saying, “Help me!” and I got all sentimental and looked to see if he signed the insect Geneva convention…..couldn’t find it.
It was well established throughout the woods that the wheel bug was a real prick and the kind of ass hole that bit other bugs because he could. Yes. A total piece of shit. Anyway, I lean down to find him and suddenly in a blur of motion a huge wolf spider nailed his ass to a stem saying, “I got you now, bitch!”
“Your ass is mine you mother fucker scary ass bugger!” And he did. The spider could give two shits what condition the bug was in. He bit the fuck out of it. As the bug lay dying, he asked the spider who had kicked his ass. The spider laughed saying, “Don’t you know? That green motherfucker is “Big Dick Daddy from Cincinnati! You picked the wrong bad ass to strike!”
The bug quietly passed away, tears in his buggy eyes, crying for his shitty life and knowing he was going to be spider stew in a half hour. The spider looked up at me and said, “Step off shrimp dick! I got this, ya feel me?”
I took that as my time to withdraw, I also high fived the mantis and she told me to go have a beer on her.
So I did!
Musings from Mossberg